Why We Don’t Change (Even When We Know We Should)

A sabbatical alone will not flip the switch. Lasting change takes deeper work.

This week’s post was sparked by a conversation with a talented executive coach named Laura Bunch. She has become a thought partner for me and during a recent coffee, she directed me toward Lisa Laskow Lahey and Robert Kegan’s work on Immunity to Change. It had fascinating overlaps with Conscious Leadership Group work and the two have become a clear a-ha for me relative to change.

Finally - this is the last call for our Midlife Sabbatical group. We are starting on 10/9 and if you have been on the fence, just reach out here for more information.

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I know I am too identified with my work. It’s intellectually very clear. I have read the books, studied the frameworks, and even coached others through this exact realization. But knowing it and living differently are not the same thing.

That, my friends, is the puzzle of change. Most of us think that once we have the information or once we have the space, we will finally shift. I once thought a sabbatical might flip the switch for me. Step away, clear the decks, gain perspective, and everything would be different when I returned.

But change does not work like that.

Why Change Feels Impossible

Heart doctors tell us this in the starkest way. Research cited by Lahey and Kegan has shown that only about one in seven heart patients make lasting changes to their diet or exercise after surgery. They describe how, even when faced with life-or-death consequences, many people still fail to make necessary behavioral changes due to powerful, unconscious, self-protective commitments.

It is not because they lack information. It is not because they lack urgency. It is because the change they need to make is not just tactical. Change happens at the identity level, not the to-do list level.

Adaptive, Not Tactical

This is the heart of the issue. Tactical change is straightforward. Learn a new skill. Add more time. Adjust a process. But adaptive change asks us to shift who we are being and the beliefs that sit behind that unconscious behavior, not just what we are doing.

On the surface I might say I want to separate my identity from my work. The tactical solutions look obvious. Take time off. Add boundaries. Read more books. Build new routines. But underneath, there are unconscious beliefs running the show. For me, it sounds like this: If I am not succeeding at work, am I enough? If I am not visible, do I matter? Those beliefs quietly erase any tactical progress I make.

Another example I saw all the time in my work in technology with customers. There would be a software solution that could have a significantly positive impact on a customer’s business. They would buy it. They would say it’s great. But they wouldn’t use it. Why? Usually we write it off with a simple, “Change is hard.” And it is. But it’s the stories that sit below all that are likely blocking the way such as “Learning new technology makes me feel old,” or “I don’t want to look like a beginner.”

The Frameworks That Name It

Two frameworks have been especially helpful to me.

Immunity to Change (Robert Kegan and Lisa Lahey)
Kegan and Lahey describe the “immunity to change” as an invisible system of competing commitments. We set a goal for change, but at the same time we are unconsciously committed to something that works against it. They describe it as having one foot on the gas and another on the brake (without realizing it). For example, someone might want to speak up more in meetings but be unconsciously committed to never feeling exposed to criticism. The immunity cancels out the effort until the hidden commitment is surfaced and examined.

Unconscious Commitments (The Conscious Leadership Group)
The Conscious Leadership Group uses a similar concept. They invite us to ask: “What am I more committed to than to change?” Maybe I say I want to stop overworking, but I am actually more committed to avoiding the discomfort of disappointing others. Once I see that unconscious commitment, I realize the block is not logical. It is protective.

Both frameworks remind us that our stuck places are not about laziness or weakness. They are about hidden commitments that feel safer than growth.

My Sabbatical Experience

When I stepped into my own sabbatical, I thought I would use the time to make tactical shifts. I had a fresh planner. I built lists of goals. I thought I would map my next big thing quickly.

Instead, I was met with exhaustion. Big time. My days became simple: sleep, walk, write, take care of my family. At first it felt like failure. Later I saw it for what it was. I was finally slowing down enough to notice the patterns underneath.

It was in that quiet that I began to see how deeply I had tied my worth to my work. I was not just tired from years of effort. I was tired from years of living through unconscious commitments: to always perform, to always achieve, to always be seen as capable. No amount of tactical planning could solve that. It was adaptive work.

What Helps

Change is possible. But it happens when we shift from tactics to deeper awareness. Here are a few practices that help:

1. Create space to see the pattern. Sabbaticals are useful because they create room for awareness. Not because they do the work for us.

2. Name the unconscious commitments. Until they are visible, they run the show. Naming them loosens their grip.

3. Experiment in small ways. Instead of trying to overhaul everything, try one new behavior and notice what fears or resistances surface.

4. Work in community. Alone, we recycle old strategies. With others, we are more likely to see what we are blind to.

It Takes Time

The unpleasant truth is that change is not about information or time. If it was, imagine how many more people would make it past the first six weeks at the gym every new year. It is about surfacing the unconscious commitments that keep us stuck. It is about doing adaptive work, not tactical work.

I am still in it. Still uncovering. Still carefully testing ways to get beyond my now-conscious commitments. I no longer expect change to come from flipping a switch. I know now it comes from shining light into the places I have avoided and choosing, again and again, to live differently.

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